Today was supposed to be a happy day. Hubby is home on R&R from Afghanistan. Had a day of shopping with the munchkin and mom in law. Hubby had a friend that he's known his whole life driving down from Dallas just to spend an hour and a half with him. Ok...I've known about the friend coming for a week so why when he was due to be at our house with less than an hour to spare did I have a full blown anxiety attack?? I mean really....WTH??
Here I was, about to meet one of Wes' best friends from his childhood and highschool days and I panicked over the thought that this guy wasn't going to think I was good enough. My house wasn't clean enough, I wasn't pretty enough for Wes, I wasn't think enough, I was too old with too many wrinkles....a bazillion negative thoughts racing through my head - all pointing to nothing about me was good enough.
I haven't had any moments of clarity since this afternoon. The meeting with the friend was brief and friendly. I still don't feel any better and it's been over 12 hours since my anxiety reared its ugly head. All I'm left with is this nagging question....how do you make yourself good enough? Not just good enough for others, but more importantly....good enough for yourself? What is the first step to the road of self-acceptance. I thought I was doing good and was on the right path.....tonight I feel like I took a detour and got lost.
Oh Christina. I first and foremost have to start off and say that you are a TRUE inspiration. You own up to your feelings, and don't try to deny them to yourself. I have these issues as well. All the time, and especially now that I've gained a lot of weight in the past 2 years. I wish I had your courage and could own up to my feelings instead of always venting them to my husband, or keeping them to myself which is obviously never good. To let you in on how I feel about this blog entry, I guess I'll have to tell you as to how I can relate to this....and I'll try my best to keep it short. My husband has been previously married to a beautiful woman who left him when David got stationed in Korea. He had his first and only child with her. It ruined David how she did him...he still has issues, (though never admitting to them for the most part)...and it's been a battle for the past 5 years to show him that not all girls will do him like his ex did him. With that said, I question if he really loves me, if I'm pretty enough, if he loves me as much as he did his 1st wife or I just get the bitter love that is left, does he regret his life with me...etc. I could go on and on. I get crazy anxiety over it. His ex still has some type of relationship with his family and is friends with his sister still to this day. It hurts me to think I'm not good enough...but I have to remember that he married me for a reason. That he's never left me, cheated on me, and wants to build a future for the both of us. I have to remember that there are many oppurtunties out there for him to have left me, but he didn't. I have to remember that if wanted to be back with her, that he would've done that a long time ago. He genuinely loves me. For all that I am. The good parts and the not so good parts...he loves me and takes it all. I have to constantly remind myself of that, because I am SO hard on myself, and have realized I can be my own worst enemy at times. So that's what I have to say to you. You're beautiful, and obviously wonderful in your husband's eyes. Surround yourself by positive people who constantly brings optimism in your life. Make yourself! Try to focus on the better things, and that usually distracts you from the negativity on yourself...At least it somewhat does for me. I hope I've helped.
ReplyDeleteYou are truly a beautiful person inside and out! Read your blog with an open mind and you will see what we all see. Your honesty in this blog is mind blowing and completely inspirational.
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