Definition of journey: The act of traveling from one place to another....
I have a great life. An amazing husband who is still crazy about me and thinks I'm beautiful after 14 years and I won't say how many extra pounds. The most beautiful smart little girl I could have ever hoped for. A roof over my head, food on my table, friends and family that love me unconditionally. So why do I feel like there's something missing? I know..because there is....ME!!
I don't know when it happened, or where it happened. But I definitely know it happened. I've lost me. And I want me back. I'm a pretty awesome person, well, I used to be. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. Which is why I avoid looking in the mirror....EVER! I put on makeup and do my hair if I have to go somewhere, but other than that I stay away from mirrors.
And don't even get me started with pictures. I avoid cameras like the plague. I love to TAKE the pictures, but it literally causes me physical pain if I have to be the subject of a photo. And this is what kills me. I have been married for 13 years and there is hardly any pictures of my husband and I together. Even worse...there's only a handful of pictures of me with my daughter. The beautiful girl that took us 11 years to finally conceive. My miracle girl!! I should be taking pictures of the two of us together left and right so I can cherish every single moment of my life with her. Instead, I hide. I hide from cameras, mirrors, people, ......and it has to stop.
I never thought I would ever blog, but I'm finding more and more that I need a sounding board. Somewhere to just vent and release and lay it all out there without bombarding my friends and family with my words. Once I start talking it's hard to make me stop, especially after I've had a venti iced mocha....yummmmm!!
But I digress....I could write a book on all of my problems, but that is not what this blog is about. This is a journal of my Journey to finding me again. And I don't mean just physically, although that is part of it. I mean the ME that's on the inside. I want my confidence back. I want my determination back. I want my old, responsible, ocd, baking, fun loving, huge hearted, book reading, tea drinking, kept my house clean, went out and had fun self back! And that's just the beginning. I've lost direction on my path in life so I've decided to make a new road. Set a new path. And take a little Journey. I'll be traveling from one place to another in my mind, picking up pieces of my old self along the way until I can look in the mirror and like who I see again. Want to take a little trip with me?
I am privileged to read your heart-thoughts, Christina! I think I know a lot about what you mean, how you feel. :) Props for letting us/me in!! :)) Love you, lady. :)
ReplyDeleteThank You for letting us in. And here I was thinking I was the only one that felt that way. I have come to realize that you get set on this path of marriage and kids and some how you just become what you think they need you to be and become less of who you really are when that is all they need you to be. You have this memory of yourself and you want it back so badly it rips you in two. It is all you can do to keep going. Anyway I better stop before I blog in your comments lol
ReplyDeleteI have all the faith in you Christina!!! You are a wonderful person inside and out already and i've only met you a few times!!
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