So the other night I was browsing websites and came across one where I had to fill out a profile - you know, age, location, etc. The last part of there were two areas, one for LIKES and one for DISLIKES. I didn't want to spend a great deal of time on it so under LIKES all I wrote was Sincerity and for DISLIKES I wrote Dishonesty. Because, after all, those are the two qualities in people that really do mean the most to me. After I finished filling out my profile and clicked the button to SUBMIT it hit me like a smack in the forehead. How hypocritical of me to expect honesty and sincerity from others when I can't even be honest with myself? I've been blaming others for not 'accepting me for who I am'...I've been so afraid that if people find out certain things about me they won't want to associate with me anymore. And so on and so on.
And you know what? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other people accept me if I can't even like myself enough to accept myself. And how can I expect others to be sincere with me if I continue lying to myself?
So my first big step towards self-sincerity was to have a heart to heart talk last night with my husband. Who is the one person in this world that I have never had to doubt that he accepts everything about me and loves me for who I am and sometimes despite who I am.
Let me tell you, such raw honesty between two people has never been so heart wrenching. I opened up and finally admitted to him just how much I hate myself. ( I was going to say dislike myself, but that would have been dishonest. There are days where I absolutely hate myself) We had such an amazing talk, and it was exactly what I needed. I thought that I could start this Journey on my own. I thought it was something I had to work for and go through by myself. But there is nothing more amazing then hearing the person you love tell you "You don't have to do this by yourself. We're in this together. We got in a rut together and we'll get out of it together." I told him "don't try to fix me, you can't fix me..." . You know how guys are, they always want to 'fix' you. And that amazing man of mine said "I'm not trying to fix you, I just want to help"
That talk was definitely a very important Step...but what I discovered is that it wasn't so much the talk. It was the Sincerity. I'm not sure if I"m 100% ready to be an open book about certain things, but I am 110% sure that I can't expect people to be sincere with me if I am dishonest with them. It's definitely a Step in the right direction.
Ok, this made me get teary eyed!! You are never alone in anything you do. You have an amazing husband, although i've never met him met him but from how you talk about him I know he's awesome to you and Allora. It's hard these days to find a man who will accept a woman for who she is and not for what she isn't. And i know you have that one that no matter what he will always love you for you! And you necessarily can't "fix" yourself. You can change yourself to become a better person in the future. All your flaws and great features are what make you, you. And all the things about your past and how you did things or whatever the case may be is also what has made you into the person you are today. If you think about what if i did this differently or did that differently, would i be the person i am today? I know you have a journey to make to make you happier in the end, and I know you will succeed no matter what!!! Keep your head up and know that you have an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, and friends who love you very much!
ReplyDeleteTotally bawling over here! Oh, Christina...I so know how you feel. And you are so lucky to have a man who can just say he wants to help and not fix.
ReplyDelete