I think I might have just finally hit my limit of bullshit I've been feeding myself all these years. Over this past week during different conversations with different friends, I have noticed myself saying things that amaze even myself.
For instance...from the time my beautiful daughter was born I have been soooooo careful about what types of foods I have introduced her to and at what age. I try my best to instill great eating habits in her. And personally I think I have done a pretty fine job. She never tasted sugar until her 1st birthday when we let her eat her birthday cupcake. And my kid is one of the rare few that prefers fresh fruit and vegetables to sweets. She asks for fruit at the store and has eaten an entire basket of strawberries in one day. If she wants a snack, I give her fruit. And many times she has made an entire meal out of vegetables only. So as I'm talking to my friend about my daughter's eating habits I say "why the hell can I not care enough about myself to instill those same healthy eating habits for ME?" Why do I not love myself like I love my daughter? Shouldn't I love her so much that I would WANT to take better care of myself so I will be around for a very long time? And why is it that even now as I'm asking myself these questions am I wanting to console myself with chocolate?
My wonderful supportive husband has always told me "if you want to change something about yourself bad enough, just do it". Stop making excuses, stop coming up with reasons to NOT do it and just do it".
Guess what honey - I think I'm finally ready to just do it. I'm done! I'm done pretending to be something I'm not. I'm done holding myself back from achieving goals because I wait for others to help inspire me. And I am most definitely done living in this shell I have made of myself. I have wasted almost an entire year with excuses and not caring enough about myself to change me. I absolutely cannot let another year, month, week go by so unbelievably unhappy with myself. I owe it to my husband. I owe it to my daughter. But most importantly I owe it to myself.
Now excuse me while I go eat a Cadbury egg! Lol - hey, I didn't say I was starting tonight. =)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Doctor visit
Sometimes there's nothing more revealing to myself than having an unexpected breakdown in the Dr.'s office. For most of my adult life I have put on a smily happy face for doctor visits because it was my best defense to constantly hearing that the diagnosis for WHATEVER I was being seen for was that I was overweight.
The happy face was nowhere to be found today. The doc came in and I told him...I promise not to try to self-diagnose myself today (which I have also gotten into the habit of doing because of afore mentioned reasons) and that I was just going to tell him what was wrong and let him be the doctor. It is a very difficult thing for me to do that. He started to scold me about not having my lab work done since the last visit (long story about how Darnall confuses me) and out of nowhere I started crying and couldn't stop. No surprise to me there, I've been crying for the last 2 days, so I kind of expected it. Poor doc didn't though lol.
I do like my doctor. He's a nice enough guy and wants to help me. So my prescription of Zoloft was increased yet another 50mg...I had by blood drawn to test my thyroid...and I have an appointment to see the nutritionist on Friday. I'm already completely skeptical about that because I have a history with Army nutritionists not knowing how to help someone with pcos.
So for now, we're waiting for test results, upping our meds and going from there. He's giving me a month and if I'm still having the hunger/eating issues I have and the zoloft isn't cutting it we'll be looking into weight loss surgery and different medication.
I'm just blah about everything for now....I'm tired, in a ton of pain, and missing my husband something awful.
The happy face was nowhere to be found today. The doc came in and I told him...I promise not to try to self-diagnose myself today (which I have also gotten into the habit of doing because of afore mentioned reasons) and that I was just going to tell him what was wrong and let him be the doctor. It is a very difficult thing for me to do that. He started to scold me about not having my lab work done since the last visit (long story about how Darnall confuses me) and out of nowhere I started crying and couldn't stop. No surprise to me there, I've been crying for the last 2 days, so I kind of expected it. Poor doc didn't though lol.
I do like my doctor. He's a nice enough guy and wants to help me. So my prescription of Zoloft was increased yet another 50mg...I had by blood drawn to test my thyroid...and I have an appointment to see the nutritionist on Friday. I'm already completely skeptical about that because I have a history with Army nutritionists not knowing how to help someone with pcos.
So for now, we're waiting for test results, upping our meds and going from there. He's giving me a month and if I'm still having the hunger/eating issues I have and the zoloft isn't cutting it we'll be looking into weight loss surgery and different medication.
I'm just blah about everything for now....I'm tired, in a ton of pain, and missing my husband something awful.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday Monday---
I work from home, so you would think a Monday wouldn't feel as terrible to me as it does for most people who have a 9 to 5 job. But when you throw in the fact that it's a 4 day weekend for other military families and you get this constant reminder that your husband is deployed and can't bbq with you and friends like everyone else is doing, you have a tendency to get a really bad case of the Mondays.
The really crappy thing, is lately every day has felt like a Monday that will never end. You know the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? That is what my life feels like. Same day over and over. I wish I could take a cue from Bill and learn a little bit every day to improve upon my mistakes to have a wonderful outcome at the end.
My big problem is I am NOT a morning person. So I go to bed pumping myself up "you can do this!! Tomorrow is a new day! You will get up and......" (fill in the blanks with everything I want to change) And then I wake up. And am depressed all over again, don't want to wake up and get out of bed. Quickly find excuses to NOT do all of the things I had pumped myself up to do the night before. Granted this last week hasn't helped much being sick and feeling like total crap.
So this morning I woke up, took a shower, made my coffee and grabbed my laptop. I had planned in my head to just get up and get out of the house and go SOMEWHERE....ANYWHERE! But all I can think right now is how completely exhausted I am and want to go back to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open and I've only been awake for an hour. Then to top it off I haven't stopped sweating since I got out of the shower. Gotta love anxiety =P
I think my first step to getting rid of the Mondays is to stop comparing myself to everyone else. So what if I sleep until 9:30 and you get up at 6:00 -- So what if I relax all morning and drink coffee until noon and you've already done all of your shopping, cleaning, and have had breakfast and lunch...I need to find what works for ME. What MY schedule should be. I work from home for a reason. I set my own schedule, work when and IF I want to. I am my own boss. Now I need to transfer that thinking over to my personal life. I wish it was easier to stop worrying about what other people think of me. And the likelihood that they even care I'm sure is very slim.
So today Monday, you may have the upper hand. But we'll meet again soon. And maybe, just maybe...you'll feel more like a Tuesday.
The really crappy thing, is lately every day has felt like a Monday that will never end. You know the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? That is what my life feels like. Same day over and over. I wish I could take a cue from Bill and learn a little bit every day to improve upon my mistakes to have a wonderful outcome at the end.
My big problem is I am NOT a morning person. So I go to bed pumping myself up "you can do this!! Tomorrow is a new day! You will get up and......" (fill in the blanks with everything I want to change) And then I wake up. And am depressed all over again, don't want to wake up and get out of bed. Quickly find excuses to NOT do all of the things I had pumped myself up to do the night before. Granted this last week hasn't helped much being sick and feeling like total crap.
So this morning I woke up, took a shower, made my coffee and grabbed my laptop. I had planned in my head to just get up and get out of the house and go SOMEWHERE....ANYWHERE! But all I can think right now is how completely exhausted I am and want to go back to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open and I've only been awake for an hour. Then to top it off I haven't stopped sweating since I got out of the shower. Gotta love anxiety =P
I think my first step to getting rid of the Mondays is to stop comparing myself to everyone else. So what if I sleep until 9:30 and you get up at 6:00 -- So what if I relax all morning and drink coffee until noon and you've already done all of your shopping, cleaning, and have had breakfast and lunch...I need to find what works for ME. What MY schedule should be. I work from home for a reason. I set my own schedule, work when and IF I want to. I am my own boss. Now I need to transfer that thinking over to my personal life. I wish it was easier to stop worrying about what other people think of me. And the likelihood that they even care I'm sure is very slim.
So today Monday, you may have the upper hand. But we'll meet again soon. And maybe, just maybe...you'll feel more like a Tuesday.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Chaos Theory
So I was in the shower this morning thinking...my head is such a chaotic mess, my house is a chaotic mess, my diet is a mess, my......you name it and it's in a state of chaos. This isn't like me. I'm the person who used to have all of her DVD's and CD's organized alphabetically. My clothes put away by color. My pantry was the epitome of perfection. I prided myself on the not only the cleanliness of my home but also the organization of it. Now if you were to ask where something was I probably wouldn't have a clue where to even begin looking, much less care that it's probably buried somewhere beneath the mountains of folded laundry waiting to be put away (I honestly don't have the room for all of our clothes) or underneath the stack of mail I dread going through.
And it hits me.....my home and my mind go hand in hand. I've discovered once I thoroughly clean and organize an area of my home, like the linen closet for example, I'm in a state of euphoria. Weird, I know...but that's me.
So this next week I will be working on taking a step towards reclaiming my true inner self by trying my darndest to get my house organized. It is so easy to not care about yourself when you can't even muster the energy to care about your surroundings. The hard part will be keeping each area clean while I move on to the next. I do have a toddler ya know! =)
And it hits me.....my home and my mind go hand in hand. I've discovered once I thoroughly clean and organize an area of my home, like the linen closet for example, I'm in a state of euphoria. Weird, I know...but that's me.
So this next week I will be working on taking a step towards reclaiming my true inner self by trying my darndest to get my house organized. It is so easy to not care about yourself when you can't even muster the energy to care about your surroundings. The hard part will be keeping each area clean while I move on to the next. I do have a toddler ya know! =)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Back to Me
So the husband left to go back to Afghanistan today. That in itself is a huuuge bummer. But fortunately we were able to joke about it. I said "I'm glad you're leaving, maybe now I can start eating right". And he said "No kidding, I"m gonna have to start back at square one cuz I gained all my weight back". In that moment we both realized we are each other's crutches. I knew that I have used him for the longest time to put the blame on when it comes to our eating habits. But I didn't know he did the same with me lol. Even after 13 years of marriage you can still learn something new about each other. And let me tell you, we ate like crap the whole time he was home.
So I am taking this weekend to research some healthy crock pot recipes, purchase Zumba for the Wii, dig out my resistant band from wherever it may be hiding and try to get my head straight. It's going to take a few days just to get over him having to leave again, but I will NOT lose sight of my goal.
I also wanted to say thank you for all of your encouraging words. I appreciate the comments and feedback and it really has been so supportive. I know I"m terrible at writing back most days, but I wanted to let you know it means a lot to me.
So I am taking this weekend to research some healthy crock pot recipes, purchase Zumba for the Wii, dig out my resistant band from wherever it may be hiding and try to get my head straight. It's going to take a few days just to get over him having to leave again, but I will NOT lose sight of my goal.
I also wanted to say thank you for all of your encouraging words. I appreciate the comments and feedback and it really has been so supportive. I know I"m terrible at writing back most days, but I wanted to let you know it means a lot to me.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Today was Brutal
Today was supposed to be a happy day. Hubby is home on R&R from Afghanistan. Had a day of shopping with the munchkin and mom in law. Hubby had a friend that he's known his whole life driving down from Dallas just to spend an hour and a half with him. Ok...I've known about the friend coming for a week so why when he was due to be at our house with less than an hour to spare did I have a full blown anxiety attack?? I mean really....WTH??
Here I was, about to meet one of Wes' best friends from his childhood and highschool days and I panicked over the thought that this guy wasn't going to think I was good enough. My house wasn't clean enough, I wasn't pretty enough for Wes, I wasn't think enough, I was too old with too many wrinkles....a bazillion negative thoughts racing through my head - all pointing to nothing about me was good enough.
I haven't had any moments of clarity since this afternoon. The meeting with the friend was brief and friendly. I still don't feel any better and it's been over 12 hours since my anxiety reared its ugly head. All I'm left with is this nagging question....how do you make yourself good enough? Not just good enough for others, but more importantly....good enough for yourself? What is the first step to the road of self-acceptance. I thought I was doing good and was on the right path.....tonight I feel like I took a detour and got lost.
Here I was, about to meet one of Wes' best friends from his childhood and highschool days and I panicked over the thought that this guy wasn't going to think I was good enough. My house wasn't clean enough, I wasn't pretty enough for Wes, I wasn't think enough, I was too old with too many wrinkles....a bazillion negative thoughts racing through my head - all pointing to nothing about me was good enough.
I haven't had any moments of clarity since this afternoon. The meeting with the friend was brief and friendly. I still don't feel any better and it's been over 12 hours since my anxiety reared its ugly head. All I'm left with is this nagging question....how do you make yourself good enough? Not just good enough for others, but more importantly....good enough for yourself? What is the first step to the road of self-acceptance. I thought I was doing good and was on the right path.....tonight I feel like I took a detour and got lost.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A Step in the Right Direction
So the other night I was browsing websites and came across one where I had to fill out a profile - you know, age, location, etc. The last part of there were two areas, one for LIKES and one for DISLIKES. I didn't want to spend a great deal of time on it so under LIKES all I wrote was Sincerity and for DISLIKES I wrote Dishonesty. Because, after all, those are the two qualities in people that really do mean the most to me. After I finished filling out my profile and clicked the button to SUBMIT it hit me like a smack in the forehead. How hypocritical of me to expect honesty and sincerity from others when I can't even be honest with myself? I've been blaming others for not 'accepting me for who I am'...I've been so afraid that if people find out certain things about me they won't want to associate with me anymore. And so on and so on.
And you know what? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other people accept me if I can't even like myself enough to accept myself. And how can I expect others to be sincere with me if I continue lying to myself?
So my first big step towards self-sincerity was to have a heart to heart talk last night with my husband. Who is the one person in this world that I have never had to doubt that he accepts everything about me and loves me for who I am and sometimes despite who I am.
Let me tell you, such raw honesty between two people has never been so heart wrenching. I opened up and finally admitted to him just how much I hate myself. ( I was going to say dislike myself, but that would have been dishonest. There are days where I absolutely hate myself) We had such an amazing talk, and it was exactly what I needed. I thought that I could start this Journey on my own. I thought it was something I had to work for and go through by myself. But there is nothing more amazing then hearing the person you love tell you "You don't have to do this by yourself. We're in this together. We got in a rut together and we'll get out of it together." I told him "don't try to fix me, you can't fix me..." . You know how guys are, they always want to 'fix' you. And that amazing man of mine said "I'm not trying to fix you, I just want to help"
That talk was definitely a very important Step...but what I discovered is that it wasn't so much the talk. It was the Sincerity. I'm not sure if I"m 100% ready to be an open book about certain things, but I am 110% sure that I can't expect people to be sincere with me if I am dishonest with them. It's definitely a Step in the right direction.
And you know what? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other people accept me if I can't even like myself enough to accept myself. And how can I expect others to be sincere with me if I continue lying to myself?
So my first big step towards self-sincerity was to have a heart to heart talk last night with my husband. Who is the one person in this world that I have never had to doubt that he accepts everything about me and loves me for who I am and sometimes despite who I am.
Let me tell you, such raw honesty between two people has never been so heart wrenching. I opened up and finally admitted to him just how much I hate myself. ( I was going to say dislike myself, but that would have been dishonest. There are days where I absolutely hate myself) We had such an amazing talk, and it was exactly what I needed. I thought that I could start this Journey on my own. I thought it was something I had to work for and go through by myself. But there is nothing more amazing then hearing the person you love tell you "You don't have to do this by yourself. We're in this together. We got in a rut together and we'll get out of it together." I told him "don't try to fix me, you can't fix me..." . You know how guys are, they always want to 'fix' you. And that amazing man of mine said "I'm not trying to fix you, I just want to help"
That talk was definitely a very important Step...but what I discovered is that it wasn't so much the talk. It was the Sincerity. I'm not sure if I"m 100% ready to be an open book about certain things, but I am 110% sure that I can't expect people to be sincere with me if I am dishonest with them. It's definitely a Step in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Second Step
My second step was literally a step. Let me start my saying I don't have a checklist of how, where, when, what I need to do to find myself again. To me this is truly a journey. And as I have moments of epiphanies is when I will probably share them.
In my bedroom, hidden beneath papers, and clothes, and whatever else I didn't feel like dealing with at the time that got tossed onto the pile was my Wii Fit board. You know, the thing I was super excited to get. The thing that I convinced myself if I spent that much money on something I was sure to use it. The thing that I used one time then hid in my room so I didn't have to look at it daily reminding me that I really should get off of my lazy butt and exercise. Yeah...that thing!
Well, the papers are tossed, the dust is cleaned off of it, the clothes are put away and the Wii fit board is uncovered. It is still in my room, but it's not purposely hidden anymore. I'm not going to lie to myself and say "ok...now put it in the living room and start a daily routine of exercise...you can do it!!!" Because I know that's not going to happen. My second step was uncovering it. I don't have to hide things from myself and pretend that it doesn't exist. Do you know how draining it is to actively pretend something isn't there when you know darn well it is? It's so much more freeing to have it out in the open where I can see it. It's no longer taunting me saying "hey chubby....you really should put that cookie down and come use me". Now when I pass by it just gives me a friendly wave as if to say "I'm here for you when you're ready". Just like my true self....it got hidden, buried beneath piles and piles of everyday life. I'm ready to toss those papers and put away the clothes. The piles are pretty huge so it's going to take a while. But I know I'm in there...I can see me giving a friendly wave saying "I'm here for you when you're ready"
In my bedroom, hidden beneath papers, and clothes, and whatever else I didn't feel like dealing with at the time that got tossed onto the pile was my Wii Fit board. You know, the thing I was super excited to get. The thing that I convinced myself if I spent that much money on something I was sure to use it. The thing that I used one time then hid in my room so I didn't have to look at it daily reminding me that I really should get off of my lazy butt and exercise. Yeah...that thing!
Well, the papers are tossed, the dust is cleaned off of it, the clothes are put away and the Wii fit board is uncovered. It is still in my room, but it's not purposely hidden anymore. I'm not going to lie to myself and say "ok...now put it in the living room and start a daily routine of exercise...you can do it!!!" Because I know that's not going to happen. My second step was uncovering it. I don't have to hide things from myself and pretend that it doesn't exist. Do you know how draining it is to actively pretend something isn't there when you know darn well it is? It's so much more freeing to have it out in the open where I can see it. It's no longer taunting me saying "hey chubby....you really should put that cookie down and come use me". Now when I pass by it just gives me a friendly wave as if to say "I'm here for you when you're ready". Just like my true self....it got hidden, buried beneath piles and piles of everyday life. I'm ready to toss those papers and put away the clothes. The piles are pretty huge so it's going to take a while. But I know I'm in there...I can see me giving a friendly wave saying "I'm here for you when you're ready"
Monday, January 10, 2011
First Step
Definition of journey: The act of traveling from one place to another....
I have a great life. An amazing husband who is still crazy about me and thinks I'm beautiful after 14 years and I won't say how many extra pounds. The most beautiful smart little girl I could have ever hoped for. A roof over my head, food on my table, friends and family that love me unconditionally. So why do I feel like there's something missing? I know..because there is....ME!!
I don't know when it happened, or where it happened. But I definitely know it happened. I've lost me. And I want me back. I'm a pretty awesome person, well, I used to be. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. Which is why I avoid looking in the mirror....EVER! I put on makeup and do my hair if I have to go somewhere, but other than that I stay away from mirrors.
And don't even get me started with pictures. I avoid cameras like the plague. I love to TAKE the pictures, but it literally causes me physical pain if I have to be the subject of a photo. And this is what kills me. I have been married for 13 years and there is hardly any pictures of my husband and I together. Even worse...there's only a handful of pictures of me with my daughter. The beautiful girl that took us 11 years to finally conceive. My miracle girl!! I should be taking pictures of the two of us together left and right so I can cherish every single moment of my life with her. Instead, I hide. I hide from cameras, mirrors, people, ......and it has to stop.
I never thought I would ever blog, but I'm finding more and more that I need a sounding board. Somewhere to just vent and release and lay it all out there without bombarding my friends and family with my words. Once I start talking it's hard to make me stop, especially after I've had a venti iced mocha....yummmmm!!
But I digress....I could write a book on all of my problems, but that is not what this blog is about. This is a journal of my Journey to finding me again. And I don't mean just physically, although that is part of it. I mean the ME that's on the inside. I want my confidence back. I want my determination back. I want my old, responsible, ocd, baking, fun loving, huge hearted, book reading, tea drinking, kept my house clean, went out and had fun self back! And that's just the beginning. I've lost direction on my path in life so I've decided to make a new road. Set a new path. And take a little Journey. I'll be traveling from one place to another in my mind, picking up pieces of my old self along the way until I can look in the mirror and like who I see again. Want to take a little trip with me?
I have a great life. An amazing husband who is still crazy about me and thinks I'm beautiful after 14 years and I won't say how many extra pounds. The most beautiful smart little girl I could have ever hoped for. A roof over my head, food on my table, friends and family that love me unconditionally. So why do I feel like there's something missing? I know..because there is....ME!!
I don't know when it happened, or where it happened. But I definitely know it happened. I've lost me. And I want me back. I'm a pretty awesome person, well, I used to be. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. Which is why I avoid looking in the mirror....EVER! I put on makeup and do my hair if I have to go somewhere, but other than that I stay away from mirrors.
And don't even get me started with pictures. I avoid cameras like the plague. I love to TAKE the pictures, but it literally causes me physical pain if I have to be the subject of a photo. And this is what kills me. I have been married for 13 years and there is hardly any pictures of my husband and I together. Even worse...there's only a handful of pictures of me with my daughter. The beautiful girl that took us 11 years to finally conceive. My miracle girl!! I should be taking pictures of the two of us together left and right so I can cherish every single moment of my life with her. Instead, I hide. I hide from cameras, mirrors, people, ......and it has to stop.
I never thought I would ever blog, but I'm finding more and more that I need a sounding board. Somewhere to just vent and release and lay it all out there without bombarding my friends and family with my words. Once I start talking it's hard to make me stop, especially after I've had a venti iced mocha....yummmmm!!
But I digress....I could write a book on all of my problems, but that is not what this blog is about. This is a journal of my Journey to finding me again. And I don't mean just physically, although that is part of it. I mean the ME that's on the inside. I want my confidence back. I want my determination back. I want my old, responsible, ocd, baking, fun loving, huge hearted, book reading, tea drinking, kept my house clean, went out and had fun self back! And that's just the beginning. I've lost direction on my path in life so I've decided to make a new road. Set a new path. And take a little Journey. I'll be traveling from one place to another in my mind, picking up pieces of my old self along the way until I can look in the mirror and like who I see again. Want to take a little trip with me?
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