Today was supposed to be a happy day. Hubby is home on R&R from Afghanistan. Had a day of shopping with the munchkin and mom in law. Hubby had a friend that he's known his whole life driving down from Dallas just to spend an hour and a half with him. Ok...I've known about the friend coming for a week so why when he was due to be at our house with less than an hour to spare did I have a full blown anxiety attack?? I mean really....WTH??
Here I was, about to meet one of Wes' best friends from his childhood and highschool days and I panicked over the thought that this guy wasn't going to think I was good enough. My house wasn't clean enough, I wasn't pretty enough for Wes, I wasn't think enough, I was too old with too many wrinkles....a bazillion negative thoughts racing through my head - all pointing to nothing about me was good enough.
I haven't had any moments of clarity since this afternoon. The meeting with the friend was brief and friendly. I still don't feel any better and it's been over 12 hours since my anxiety reared its ugly head. All I'm left with is this nagging question....how do you make yourself good enough? Not just good enough for others, but more importantly....good enough for yourself? What is the first step to the road of self-acceptance. I thought I was doing good and was on the right path.....tonight I feel like I took a detour and got lost.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A Step in the Right Direction
So the other night I was browsing websites and came across one where I had to fill out a profile - you know, age, location, etc. The last part of there were two areas, one for LIKES and one for DISLIKES. I didn't want to spend a great deal of time on it so under LIKES all I wrote was Sincerity and for DISLIKES I wrote Dishonesty. Because, after all, those are the two qualities in people that really do mean the most to me. After I finished filling out my profile and clicked the button to SUBMIT it hit me like a smack in the forehead. How hypocritical of me to expect honesty and sincerity from others when I can't even be honest with myself? I've been blaming others for not 'accepting me for who I am'...I've been so afraid that if people find out certain things about me they won't want to associate with me anymore. And so on and so on.
And you know what? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other people accept me if I can't even like myself enough to accept myself. And how can I expect others to be sincere with me if I continue lying to myself?
So my first big step towards self-sincerity was to have a heart to heart talk last night with my husband. Who is the one person in this world that I have never had to doubt that he accepts everything about me and loves me for who I am and sometimes despite who I am.
Let me tell you, such raw honesty between two people has never been so heart wrenching. I opened up and finally admitted to him just how much I hate myself. ( I was going to say dislike myself, but that would have been dishonest. There are days where I absolutely hate myself) We had such an amazing talk, and it was exactly what I needed. I thought that I could start this Journey on my own. I thought it was something I had to work for and go through by myself. But there is nothing more amazing then hearing the person you love tell you "You don't have to do this by yourself. We're in this together. We got in a rut together and we'll get out of it together." I told him "don't try to fix me, you can't fix me..." . You know how guys are, they always want to 'fix' you. And that amazing man of mine said "I'm not trying to fix you, I just want to help"
That talk was definitely a very important Step...but what I discovered is that it wasn't so much the talk. It was the Sincerity. I'm not sure if I"m 100% ready to be an open book about certain things, but I am 110% sure that I can't expect people to be sincere with me if I am dishonest with them. It's definitely a Step in the right direction.
And you know what? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other people accept me if I can't even like myself enough to accept myself. And how can I expect others to be sincere with me if I continue lying to myself?
So my first big step towards self-sincerity was to have a heart to heart talk last night with my husband. Who is the one person in this world that I have never had to doubt that he accepts everything about me and loves me for who I am and sometimes despite who I am.
Let me tell you, such raw honesty between two people has never been so heart wrenching. I opened up and finally admitted to him just how much I hate myself. ( I was going to say dislike myself, but that would have been dishonest. There are days where I absolutely hate myself) We had such an amazing talk, and it was exactly what I needed. I thought that I could start this Journey on my own. I thought it was something I had to work for and go through by myself. But there is nothing more amazing then hearing the person you love tell you "You don't have to do this by yourself. We're in this together. We got in a rut together and we'll get out of it together." I told him "don't try to fix me, you can't fix me..." . You know how guys are, they always want to 'fix' you. And that amazing man of mine said "I'm not trying to fix you, I just want to help"
That talk was definitely a very important Step...but what I discovered is that it wasn't so much the talk. It was the Sincerity. I'm not sure if I"m 100% ready to be an open book about certain things, but I am 110% sure that I can't expect people to be sincere with me if I am dishonest with them. It's definitely a Step in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Second Step
My second step was literally a step. Let me start my saying I don't have a checklist of how, where, when, what I need to do to find myself again. To me this is truly a journey. And as I have moments of epiphanies is when I will probably share them.
In my bedroom, hidden beneath papers, and clothes, and whatever else I didn't feel like dealing with at the time that got tossed onto the pile was my Wii Fit board. You know, the thing I was super excited to get. The thing that I convinced myself if I spent that much money on something I was sure to use it. The thing that I used one time then hid in my room so I didn't have to look at it daily reminding me that I really should get off of my lazy butt and exercise. Yeah...that thing!
Well, the papers are tossed, the dust is cleaned off of it, the clothes are put away and the Wii fit board is uncovered. It is still in my room, but it's not purposely hidden anymore. I'm not going to lie to myself and say "ok...now put it in the living room and start a daily routine of exercise...you can do it!!!" Because I know that's not going to happen. My second step was uncovering it. I don't have to hide things from myself and pretend that it doesn't exist. Do you know how draining it is to actively pretend something isn't there when you know darn well it is? It's so much more freeing to have it out in the open where I can see it. It's no longer taunting me saying "hey chubby....you really should put that cookie down and come use me". Now when I pass by it just gives me a friendly wave as if to say "I'm here for you when you're ready". Just like my true self....it got hidden, buried beneath piles and piles of everyday life. I'm ready to toss those papers and put away the clothes. The piles are pretty huge so it's going to take a while. But I know I'm in there...I can see me giving a friendly wave saying "I'm here for you when you're ready"
In my bedroom, hidden beneath papers, and clothes, and whatever else I didn't feel like dealing with at the time that got tossed onto the pile was my Wii Fit board. You know, the thing I was super excited to get. The thing that I convinced myself if I spent that much money on something I was sure to use it. The thing that I used one time then hid in my room so I didn't have to look at it daily reminding me that I really should get off of my lazy butt and exercise. Yeah...that thing!
Well, the papers are tossed, the dust is cleaned off of it, the clothes are put away and the Wii fit board is uncovered. It is still in my room, but it's not purposely hidden anymore. I'm not going to lie to myself and say "ok...now put it in the living room and start a daily routine of exercise...you can do it!!!" Because I know that's not going to happen. My second step was uncovering it. I don't have to hide things from myself and pretend that it doesn't exist. Do you know how draining it is to actively pretend something isn't there when you know darn well it is? It's so much more freeing to have it out in the open where I can see it. It's no longer taunting me saying "hey chubby....you really should put that cookie down and come use me". Now when I pass by it just gives me a friendly wave as if to say "I'm here for you when you're ready". Just like my true self....it got hidden, buried beneath piles and piles of everyday life. I'm ready to toss those papers and put away the clothes. The piles are pretty huge so it's going to take a while. But I know I'm in there...I can see me giving a friendly wave saying "I'm here for you when you're ready"
Monday, January 10, 2011
First Step
Definition of journey: The act of traveling from one place to another....
I have a great life. An amazing husband who is still crazy about me and thinks I'm beautiful after 14 years and I won't say how many extra pounds. The most beautiful smart little girl I could have ever hoped for. A roof over my head, food on my table, friends and family that love me unconditionally. So why do I feel like there's something missing? I know..because there is....ME!!
I don't know when it happened, or where it happened. But I definitely know it happened. I've lost me. And I want me back. I'm a pretty awesome person, well, I used to be. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. Which is why I avoid looking in the mirror....EVER! I put on makeup and do my hair if I have to go somewhere, but other than that I stay away from mirrors.
And don't even get me started with pictures. I avoid cameras like the plague. I love to TAKE the pictures, but it literally causes me physical pain if I have to be the subject of a photo. And this is what kills me. I have been married for 13 years and there is hardly any pictures of my husband and I together. Even worse...there's only a handful of pictures of me with my daughter. The beautiful girl that took us 11 years to finally conceive. My miracle girl!! I should be taking pictures of the two of us together left and right so I can cherish every single moment of my life with her. Instead, I hide. I hide from cameras, mirrors, people, ......and it has to stop.
I never thought I would ever blog, but I'm finding more and more that I need a sounding board. Somewhere to just vent and release and lay it all out there without bombarding my friends and family with my words. Once I start talking it's hard to make me stop, especially after I've had a venti iced mocha....yummmmm!!
But I digress....I could write a book on all of my problems, but that is not what this blog is about. This is a journal of my Journey to finding me again. And I don't mean just physically, although that is part of it. I mean the ME that's on the inside. I want my confidence back. I want my determination back. I want my old, responsible, ocd, baking, fun loving, huge hearted, book reading, tea drinking, kept my house clean, went out and had fun self back! And that's just the beginning. I've lost direction on my path in life so I've decided to make a new road. Set a new path. And take a little Journey. I'll be traveling from one place to another in my mind, picking up pieces of my old self along the way until I can look in the mirror and like who I see again. Want to take a little trip with me?
I have a great life. An amazing husband who is still crazy about me and thinks I'm beautiful after 14 years and I won't say how many extra pounds. The most beautiful smart little girl I could have ever hoped for. A roof over my head, food on my table, friends and family that love me unconditionally. So why do I feel like there's something missing? I know..because there is....ME!!
I don't know when it happened, or where it happened. But I definitely know it happened. I've lost me. And I want me back. I'm a pretty awesome person, well, I used to be. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. Which is why I avoid looking in the mirror....EVER! I put on makeup and do my hair if I have to go somewhere, but other than that I stay away from mirrors.
And don't even get me started with pictures. I avoid cameras like the plague. I love to TAKE the pictures, but it literally causes me physical pain if I have to be the subject of a photo. And this is what kills me. I have been married for 13 years and there is hardly any pictures of my husband and I together. Even worse...there's only a handful of pictures of me with my daughter. The beautiful girl that took us 11 years to finally conceive. My miracle girl!! I should be taking pictures of the two of us together left and right so I can cherish every single moment of my life with her. Instead, I hide. I hide from cameras, mirrors, people, ......and it has to stop.
I never thought I would ever blog, but I'm finding more and more that I need a sounding board. Somewhere to just vent and release and lay it all out there without bombarding my friends and family with my words. Once I start talking it's hard to make me stop, especially after I've had a venti iced mocha....yummmmm!!
But I digress....I could write a book on all of my problems, but that is not what this blog is about. This is a journal of my Journey to finding me again. And I don't mean just physically, although that is part of it. I mean the ME that's on the inside. I want my confidence back. I want my determination back. I want my old, responsible, ocd, baking, fun loving, huge hearted, book reading, tea drinking, kept my house clean, went out and had fun self back! And that's just the beginning. I've lost direction on my path in life so I've decided to make a new road. Set a new path. And take a little Journey. I'll be traveling from one place to another in my mind, picking up pieces of my old self along the way until I can look in the mirror and like who I see again. Want to take a little trip with me?
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