Monday Monday---

I work from home, so you would think a Monday wouldn't feel as terrible to me as it does for most people who have a 9 to 5 job.  But when you throw in the fact that it's a 4 day weekend for other military families and you get this constant reminder that your husband is deployed and can't bbq with you and friends like everyone else is doing, you have a tendency to get a really bad case of the Mondays.

The really crappy thing, is lately every day has felt like a Monday that will never end.  You know the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray?  That is what my life feels like.  Same day over and over.  I wish I could take a cue from Bill and learn a little bit every day to improve upon my mistakes to have a wonderful outcome at the end.

My big problem is I am NOT a morning person.  So I go to bed pumping myself up "you can do this!!  Tomorrow is a new day!  You will get up and......" (fill in the blanks with everything I want to change) And then I wake up.  And am depressed all over again, don't want to wake up and get out of bed. Quickly find excuses to NOT do all of the things I had pumped myself up to do the night before.  Granted this last week hasn't helped much being sick and feeling like total crap.

So this morning I woke up, took a shower, made my coffee and grabbed my laptop.  I had planned in my head to just get up and get out of the house and go SOMEWHERE....ANYWHERE!  But all I can think right now is how completely exhausted I am and want to go back to sleep.  I can barely keep my eyes open and I've only been awake for an hour.  Then to top it off I haven't stopped sweating since I got out of the shower.  Gotta love anxiety =P

I think my first step to getting rid of the Mondays is to stop comparing myself to everyone else. So what if I sleep until 9:30 and you get up at 6:00 -- So what if I relax all morning and drink coffee until noon and you've already done all of your shopping, cleaning, and have had breakfast and lunch...I need to find what works for ME.  What MY schedule should be.  I work from home for a reason.  I set my own schedule, work when and IF I want to.  I am my own boss.  Now I need to transfer that thinking over to my personal life.  I wish it was easier to stop worrying about what other people think of me.  And the likelihood that they even care I'm sure is very slim.

So today Monday, you may have the upper hand.  But we'll meet again soon.  And maybe, just maybe...you'll feel more like a Tuesday.

The Chaos Theory

So I was in the shower this morning thinking...my head is such a chaotic mess, my house is a chaotic mess, my diet is a mess, my......you name it and it's in a state of chaos.  This isn't like me.  I'm the person who used to have all of her DVD's and CD's organized alphabetically.  My clothes put away by color.  My pantry was the epitome of perfection.  I prided myself on the not only the cleanliness of my home but also the organization of it.  Now if you were to ask where something was I probably wouldn't have a clue where to even begin looking, much less care that it's probably buried somewhere beneath the mountains of folded laundry waiting to be put away (I honestly don't have the room for all of our clothes) or underneath the stack of mail I dread going through.

And it hits me.....my home and my mind go hand in hand.  I've discovered once I thoroughly clean and organize an area of my home, like the linen closet for example, I'm in a state of euphoria.  Weird, I know...but that's me.

So this next week I will be working on taking a step towards reclaiming my true inner self by trying my darndest to get my house organized.  It is so easy to not care about yourself when you can't even muster the energy to care about your surroundings.  The hard part will be keeping each area clean while I move on to the next.  I do have a toddler ya know!  =)

Back to Me

So the husband left to go back to Afghanistan today.  That in itself is a huuuge bummer.  But fortunately we were able to joke about it.  I said "I'm glad you're leaving, maybe now I can start eating right".  And he said "No kidding, I"m gonna have to start back at square one cuz I gained all my weight back".  In that moment we both realized we are each other's crutches.  I knew that I have used him for the longest time to put the blame on when it comes to our eating habits.  But I didn't know he did the same with me lol.  Even after 13 years of marriage you can still learn something new about each other.  And let me tell you, we ate like crap the whole time he was home.

So I am taking this weekend to research some healthy crock pot recipes, purchase Zumba for the Wii, dig  out my resistant band from wherever it may be hiding and try to get my head straight.  It's going to take a few days just to get over him having to leave again, but I will NOT lose sight of my goal.

I also wanted to say thank you for all of your encouraging words.  I appreciate the comments and feedback and it really has been so supportive.  I know I"m terrible at writing back most days, but I wanted to let you know it means a lot to me.