Just do it! (I hope Nike doesn't sue me) hehe

I think I might have just finally hit my limit of bullshit I've been feeding myself all these years.  Over this past week during different conversations with different friends, I have noticed myself saying things that amaze even myself.

For instance...from the time my beautiful daughter was born I have been soooooo careful about what types of foods I have introduced her to and at what age.  I try my best to instill great eating habits in her.  And personally I think I have done a pretty fine job.  She never tasted sugar until her 1st birthday when we let her eat her birthday cupcake.  And my kid is one of the rare few that prefers fresh fruit and vegetables to sweets.  She asks for fruit at the store and has eaten an entire basket of strawberries in one day.  If she wants a snack, I give her fruit.  And many times she has made an entire meal out of vegetables only.  So as I'm talking to my friend about my daughter's eating habits I say "why the hell can I not care enough about myself to instill those same healthy eating habits for ME?"  Why do I not love myself like I love my daughter?  Shouldn't I love her so much that I would WANT to take better care of myself so I will be around for a very long time?  And why is it that even now as I'm asking myself these questions am I wanting to console myself with chocolate?

My wonderful supportive husband has always told me "if you want to change something about yourself bad enough, just do it".  Stop making excuses, stop coming up with reasons to NOT do it and just do it".

Guess what honey - I think I'm finally ready to just do it.  I'm done!  I'm done pretending to be something I'm not.  I'm done holding myself back from achieving goals because I wait for others to help inspire me.  And I am most definitely done living in this shell I have made of myself.  I have wasted almost an entire year with excuses and not caring enough about myself to change me.  I absolutely cannot let another year, month, week go by so unbelievably unhappy with myself.  I owe it to my husband.  I owe it to my daughter.  But most importantly I owe it to myself.

Now excuse me while I go eat a Cadbury egg!  Lol - hey, I didn't say I was starting tonight. =)

Doctor visit

Sometimes there's nothing more revealing to myself than having an unexpected breakdown in the Dr.'s office.  For most of my adult life I have put on a smily happy face for doctor visits because it was my best defense to constantly hearing that the diagnosis for WHATEVER I was being seen for was that I was overweight.

The happy face was nowhere to be found today.  The doc came in and I told him...I promise not to try to self-diagnose myself today (which I have also gotten into the habit of doing because of afore mentioned reasons) and that I was just going to tell him what was wrong and let him be the doctor.    It is a very difficult thing for me to do that.  He started to scold me about not having my lab work done since the last visit (long story about how Darnall confuses me) and out of nowhere I started crying and couldn't stop.  No surprise to me there, I've been crying for the last 2 days, so I kind of expected it.  Poor doc didn't though lol.

I do like my doctor.  He's a nice enough guy and wants to help me.  So my prescription of Zoloft was increased yet another 50mg...I had by blood drawn to test my thyroid...and I have an appointment to see the nutritionist on Friday.  I'm already completely skeptical about that because I have a history with Army nutritionists not knowing how to help someone with pcos.

So for now, we're waiting for test results, upping our meds and going from there.  He's giving me a month and if I'm still having the hunger/eating issues I have and the zoloft isn't cutting it we'll be looking into weight loss surgery and different medication.

I'm just blah about everything for now....I'm tired, in a ton of pain, and missing my husband something awful.